Bob Miller
This is a partly fictional conversation between a Madera County homeowner (me) and an insurance broker.
It takes place sometime in the future when capitalism is totally controlled by Musk and Bezos and other billionaires and insurance companies only compete for totally safe homes.
Me: I don’t understand why my home insurance company won’t renew my policy.
Broker: “Well, according to the letter, your company — “Statue of Liberty — We will always be there for You” found some unmitigated fire hazards.
Me: Yes, they mentioned that one of my out buildings had some moss growing on the shingles and that a branch from a tree was overhanging the roof.
Broker: Apparently, they found those problems placed you in the “Too risky for us to insure you” category.
Me: But I could have removed the moss and trimmed the tree branch. Can’t I just do that to keep my policy?
Broker: No, they make it clear in the letter that they won’t renew you — period, exclamation point!
Me: But I really don’t need that outbuilding. What if I just tear it down?
Broker: Sorry, too late.
Me: But in my 40 years with the company, I have filed just one claim.
Broker: Yes, I see that. Back in 2005, there was a bullet hole in your fancy entry door that ended up shattering the glass insert. You had to use your deductible to cover most of the cost to replace it.
Me: Statue of Liberty can drop me even though I have filed just one claim and have made every payment on time for 40 years?
Broker: Oh, it’s happening to just about everybody up here.
Me: So what do I do?
Broker: Well, there is no single insurance company willing to take on the extreme risk of insuring you for fire hazard any more.
Me: You mean, they only want to insure my home if they are certain it won’t burn down?
Broker: Yes.
Me: That doesn’t seem fair.
Broker: Fortunately, the state of California has your back. You can get covered for fire by the California “Gotcha” Plan.
Me: That’s good!
Broker: Well, yes and no. Under your previous plan you paid just $1,800 a year for extremely good coverage. The “Gotcha Plan” will provide more modest coverage for more money.
Me: How much more money?
Broker: I think we can get you covered for fire for maybe $5,000 a year.
Me: What? I can’t afford that! My wife and I are on a fixed income! And with the cost of everything else rising, a nearly 300 percent insurance increase just seems unreasonable.
Broker: Of course, the “Gotcha Plan” just covers you for fire. You will need what’s called an umbrella policy for other stuff such as wind and water damage. That would be another $1,200 a year.
Me: I don’t know what to do.
Broker: Well, you no longer have a mortgage on your house, so you aren’t required to have fire insurance. A lot of people up here are simply going without coverage.
Me: Our house is our only valuable asset. If it were to burn down we would have no money to go somewhere else to live.
Broker: Let me see if I can help you on the cost of the insurance. Oh yes! If you were to box up the eaves of your house, you could get a discount.
Me: How big of a discount?
Broker: About $35.
Me: Oh, well, $35 a month is something I guess.
Broker: Oh no. That’s $35 a year.
Me: How much does it cost to have your eaves covered?
Broker: It could run into several thousand dollars.
Me: Well, I have a handy man, Pedro, who I think could do it a lot cheaper than that.
Broker: Oh, you mean Pedro Garcia?
Me: Yes, do you know him?
Broker: Haven’t you heard? Pedro and his wife have been rounded up by ICE and deported.
Me: That’s incredible! He has been in this country for 15 years and has his own business!
Broker: I’m sure it’s for the best. We have to make our country safe from undocumented workers.
Me: I think I will write letters to my Congressman and Assemblyman about the outrageous cost of fire insurance.
Broker: Well, Our Congressman — Frank Doolittle — is part of that MASA movement, Make America Safe Again. I’m sure he has more momentous problems to deal with.
Me: Yes, I heard that it costs about $50,000 to deport an illegal. I just had a thought — that money could pay my fire insurance bill for almost 10 years!
Broker: Well, I don’t think that money earmarked for Homeland Security could be used to help you with insurance. Nobody in government is interested in helping the little guy anymore. Maybe you could get a part-time job?
Me: So you don’t think any of our elected leaders would help with our fire insurance affordability crisis?
Broker: Ha, ha! You do have a wry sense of humor. Now I could save you even more money if you cut down all the trees on your property and bulldoze it of everything flammable. The Gotcha Plan would knock off another $100 a year if you did that.
Me: Well, I moved to the mountains 40 years ago to be close to Nature. I’m not gonna do that. Besides, that would cost me even more money than boxing my eaves. I guess we should have paid more attention to climate change.
Broker: Oh, no, you’re not one of those guys are you?
Me: The scientific evidence about what the burning of fossil fuels is doing to our forests and planet is pretty overwhelming. The University of Iowa has been studying the effect of global warming on the Sierra forests. They say that at the rate the forest is drying out, we can expect mega fires to just about burn everything up within another 10 years.
Broker: I feel more comfortable believing that climate change is a hoax. That way I don’t have to feel guilty about driving my eight miles to the gallon Dodge Pachyderm. And I prefer to blame the humongous wild fires on the Forest Service and poor forestry management. Hey, if we can’t believe what we want to believe, what’s the sense of living in a free country?
Me: I’m thinking of moving to Greenland now that it is part of the USA. Fire insurance there must not cost much. Of course, they had to give up their free universal health insurance to join the USA.
Broker: Oh, you don’t have to move to Greenland. Just find a place in America that isn’t in a wildfire zone or tornado/flood/hurricane, earthquake zone. Insurance companies still insure homes devoid of any risk to them.
Me: You mean someplace like Bakersfield, or Fresno, or Stockton?
Broker: Exactly.
Me: I had to live in Sacramento and Stockton for a while. I don’t ever want to move back to a city.
Broker: Well, then I’m afraid they gotcha. Oh, by the way. Have you got a non-renewal letter from your car insurance company? The “Happy Feet” company is not renewing cars in wildfire areas. You know, cars burn up too, not just homes.
Bob Miller is a 48 -year resident of the mountain area and a former English teacher, football/ baseball coach at Yosemite High School. He keeps his brain sharp as a Q-tip by substitute teaching at the overly ripe age of 78. He enjoys traveling and taking short hikes with his wife and grandkids. And reading such books as “The Cat in the Hat” and Bill Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods.” He thinks what the world could use in these crazy times is a good laugh. He can be reached at writerbob46@gmail.com.
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