Donald Trump as football coach in 2030

There have been reports that Donald Trump has finally chilled a bit and has developed a funny bone.

His chief advisor, Sharpy, has explained to him that the First Amendment protects freedom of speech, and rumors are being spread that he is patching things up with Jimmy Kimmel and Steven Colbert.

I hope those rumors are right, and I don’t get into hot water for this little satire today.

Because I have discovered the secret of time travel, I will let you in on a shocking event. After Donald Trump’s second term as president, he became the head coach of the newest NFL team — The Mar-A-Lago Gold Nuggets.

And let me tell you, it was a really rough ride. But, fortunately for him, the co-commissioners of the league were two loyalists — Uncle Thomas Clarabelle and Samuel Illego.

The team colors were officially described as “gold rush” gold and “gold bullion” gold. Gold on gold, except for the green dollar sign in front of the jersey numbers.

There was controversy even before they played their first game. The gate to the Mar-A-Lago stadium, “Trump Coliseum,” has a 15 foot golden statue of Coach Trump, complete with a flowing gold cape and “$” sign on the chest.

Well, it suddenly collapsed while the other team was marching through the gate. Video cameras caught several NY Giants players who seemed to touch the cape as they walked past.

Trump immediately called his pals — er, the commissioners — and they suspended several NY Giants players on the spot before the game got underway. (Later it was discovered that weak swollen ankles and the animatronic statue’s movement of one of its hands to pat itself on the back were actually responsible for the collapse.)

Well, you would have imagined that with all the suspensions, Trump would have won the game. No, they got blown out 49-6. On his Social Truth Media Propaganda website he blamed the loss on various things and here I quote, “If our placekicker had not missed that extra point, we could have won the game. That was a game changer, I tell you. A second reason we lost was because of my top assistant, Blondie. Her scouting report was full of errors. I broke the news to her gently — because she is so darned cute — that I would be replacing her with Almost Human. A third reason we lost is because our players are not man enough. My offensive coordinator, Peter the Great, says that he has discovered a way to insert testosterone into Gummy worms. So if the Gummy worms get the OK of our new health and nutrition guy, RF Vaccinekiller, our players can scarf those down.

(When a reporter told him that would probably be illegal, Trump suggested that the reporter should get on a fast boat and speed away from the Venezuela shore.)

Of course, the big news was the fight after the game. Several Mar-A-Lago players rushed the field after the fourth quarter and started swinging helmets at the referees. Even though the incident was caught on TV camera, Coach Trump dismissed the incident as nothing worth reporting — just fake news.

Here again I quote, “It was actually just a peaceful protest. My players thought the referees instigated the whole thing and I agree. If the referees had not called 35 penalties against us, my players would not have been so angry. The referees stole the game from us. Let me tell you, that guy in the white hat — he will have a hard time finding a job when he gets out of prison.”

The reporters were a little confused. “What do you mean prison?”

“Oh, I talked to President Vanciline after the game and he is having the AG — Yes Manche — bring charges against him. I think we agreed that the charge will be conspiring with Joe Biden to throw an NFL football game.”

One reporter, asked, “What evidence do you have?”

Trump replied, “I’ve never needed evidence for anything. We all know how crooked Biden is and that he probably made bets on the other team winning and convinced the white hat to throw the game. I still blame anything that goes wrong on Biden and most of my fans buy it. By the way, did you know that I actually won the 2020 election by five million votes? I’ve got my guy Stephen Milard recounting the ballots as we speak.”

One reporter asked, “Oh yeah, the Wizard of Oz guy. Is he still pulling the strings now that you are out of office?

Trump scowled at the reporter and said, “You know there is room for another reporter on that Venezuela boat.”

One of the reporters was curious about the life-size portrait in the Trump Coliseum walkway of Trump dressed in a Dallas Cowboys uniform — 46.

“Isn’t that a little false idolatry?”

Trump replied, “Not at all. Jerry and I are good friends and he made me an honorary Dallas Cowboy. It’s amazing what you can do with AI. I am so glad that I was personally responsible for creating those 878 AI Data Centers. In fact, I’m having the history books in Texas rewritten to show that I actually invented AI. I’m almost as proud of that alternative fact as I am of my bust on Mt. Rushmore.”

Another reporter said that he found it a little odd that the Mar-A-Lago Gold Nuggets were the only NFL team without any black coaches on the staff.

Trump responded, “Well, I hate to pass the buck (here the room of reporters broke out in laughter) but for the recruiting of my coaches, I have Peter the Great in charge of that. Did you know that he was a starting wide receiver on his high school JV football team? He has just an outstanding, brilliant offending — er offensive mind. I’m thinking of calling him the War Coordinator instead of the Offensive Coordinator.”

Trump then closed the press conference with his famous words, “Just wait till next week. Believe me, you will see a totally different outcome. You know even though I said the Iran War would only last a few weeks, I had a plan all along and President Vanciline will be ending it soon and the Strait of Horror will be opening. You can trust me on that.

“The Iranians agreed to taking just $2 billion for war reparations and not having more than 20 nukes. You can start seeing gasoline prices ease up a bit from $7 a gallon. So you can see that it was a big win for us. Trust me. I knew how to play hardball, even when I was hiding in a food catering truck. I’ve got to run. I’ve got a tee time with some of my wealthy donors and Sharpy is waiting for me in the golf cart. And I just love being sucked up to by fellow billionaires.”

And Trump was right about a totally different outcome of the game the next week against the Seattle Seahawks.

There was a new referee crew, most of them former fraudsters pardoned by Trump. The white hat guy, George Saint Malarkey, claimed to have refereed two Super Bowls. Every time the Seahawks scored a TD, the refs threw a penalty on them. So instead of scoring 10 touchdowns, the Seahawks were shutout. Final score Mar-A-Lago 3, Seattle 0.

Bob Miller is a 48-year resident of the mountain area and a former English teacher, football/ baseball coach at Yosemite High School. He keeps his brain sharp as a Q-tip by substitute teaching at the overly ripe age of 78. He enjoys traveling and taking short hikes with his wife and grandkids. And reading such books as “The Cat in the Hat” and Bill Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods.” He thinks what the world could use in these crazy times is a good laugh. He can be reached at writerbob46@gmail.com.