Know yourself and face the demons

Why do I drink?

This is obviously the most important question to ask yourself when you’re in rehab or when you’re trying to cut back or quit.

When I got sober back in 2019 during my first stint in rehab, they really focused in on the “why” of my life then the “what” of my decisions.

I certainly never thought I would become what the clinicians in these institutes call a “severe alcoholic,” but here I am in my third rehabilitation center by the age of 35.

After I graduated from rehab the first time, I returned home and was determined to keep working a solid and honest program recovery. I went to meetings regularly, leaned on my sponsor and support system, worked the 12 steps to its entirety and put my heart, mind and soul into everything I did.

I bought and read many self-help books, watched every TED talk and documentary I could find about addiction and how to live a fulfilling life that didn’t make me want to escape into drinking.

And when I stumbled upon a guided mediation that encouraged asking myself the question, “Why?” over and over again, I got to the root of my problems. That’s where I would find my answers to why I drank, and once I knew the “why, then maybe I could then find out how I could stop when I laid there in my home and delved deeper into my subconscious, meditating on my life from birth until now.

I wondered how I ended up this way. And you always must start from the beginning.

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up bullied and insecure. Even at home, I was raised in such a way where advocating for myself and my feelings was considered “talking back,” being disobedient or disrespectful.

So from a young age, I was taught to be silent, submit, do what you’re told, be a “good girl.” This kind of upbringing blossomed into me becoming a devout people pleaser. A very common trait, mind you, to those finding themselves in rehab.

I would chameleon myself to everyone I met, which meant casting my own wants, feelings and values aside for the sake of earning others’ love, attention and validation. So you may be asking yourself, “Well, what does all this have to do with your drinking problem, Alysia?”

There was a crucial moment in my life where I realized living for others while casting my true self aside was such an empty, pointless and vapid dead end way of living. In fact, I wondered why live this life at all if I’m too afraid to be myself and make my own decisions?

Up until my early 20s, I lived solely for acceptance, love and validation from my father. I was very dependent on his approval for every decision I made — to the point I found myself three years into college not knowing what I really wanted or who I truly was.

Before alcohol, I had other addictions.

And to me, addictions really all boil down to one thing, at least in my most humble opinion, and that is: Escapism.

I was addicted to love and not just the romantic, intimate kind; I was addicted to being surrounded by friends or partner(s) constantly. I didn’t know how to be alone. In order to escape that loneliness, I required that constant gratification from the love and attention from others.

I was also addicted to shopping when I wasn’t socializing. I would choose anything to avoid the deep, dark truth that I didn’t know or like who I was or what I was doing or choosing in life.

I was caught in another sort of purgatory/ limbo where I didn’t yet realize that I was continually running from the things that scared me. I had to self-worth, identity or secure foundation to guide me and until I learned to truly be me and advocate for myself in life, I would never truly be free of the ultimate addiction that prevails all — and that is, again, escapism.

Hang in there. I’m getting to the drinking part. My obsession with shopping and friends led me straight into my shoplifting addiction. Three months into it, I was caught and arrested; consequently I dropped out of college and was convinced by my father to move home and start over.

Here comes the stage of deep debilitating depression. But I clung onto one thing I had left and that was a relationship with a man who gave me attention, didn’t abandon me through my trials and who definitely cosigned my bullshit.

Remember, I’m addicted to this and didn’t know how to be independent or how to enjoy my life alone. Although the relationship was toxic, abusive and vile from the start, ridden with profuse alcohol abuse and littered with every red flag known to man, I clung to it with every fiber of my being.

I moved in with this man and he shared with me a coping mechanism I had never considered before — alcohol. Both of us being in a dark place in our lives, we escaped together into a bottle of vodka every single day.

The first time I learned about day drinking was with him and to be honest, at first it felt amazing when that first “screwdriver” pounded 50/50 in a red solo cup hit my mind, numbed my worries, depression and anxiety and pain, it was game over.

Every genetic trigger of alcoholism had been pulled and I was instantly hooked. I couldn’t believe this secret remedy to my insecurity and fears about life existed!

The colors around me were vivid and I finally felt free, cured even, from my past people pleasing days. Making that toxic deal with the devil felt like heaven for someone like me.

Nine years later, I found myself not only in my first rehab, but I started to realize I was, in fact, in a highly abusive relationship which perpetuated the endless cycle of trying to escape through alcohol, weed and anything to numb the agonizing reality of my life living in pain.

This, my friends from childhood trauma to continuous complex trauma as an adult and the inability to truly know and advocate for myself is my “why” to my alcoholism.

In my opinion, the major secret key to recovery or sobriety is one simple concept: you need to learn how to create a life that you no longer feel the need to escape from. I need to not only begin to know myself, intimately, but learn how to love that person dearly.

I never knew how important it is to really believe in myself and know my own self worth. My fear of the unknown, my fear of life itself, held me back in ways I never realized. So day by day, year by year, I drank away that fear instead of facing it head on, never asking that very important question of, “Why?”

A lot of us are self-medicating internal issues we are too scared to face or of which we are unaware entirely. So, if you find yourself running, escaping time after time … I urge you to ask yourself what you are not facing?

I would beckon you to really get to know yourself; what do you really want out of life? What are your true values and what do you believe in?

And if you can, try to forgive and love that person as you would a small child. Life is fleeing and too short to escape anymore. It’s time to stop the toxic self-medication, face our fears and ask for help.

Know yourself and start to choose over and over again until you’re living a life from which you no longer want to escape.

Alysia Eichman is an alcoholic, domestic abuse survivor and mother of four who is currently in a rehab facility. She is a resident of Mariposa and intends to tell her story in order to help others in similar circumstances. She can be reached at alysiaeichman@gmail.com

If you are a victim of domestic violence and need help, contact Mountain Crisis Services in Mariposa County at (209) 966-2350 or the national hotline at (800) 799-7233. Both are 24/7. For help with alcoholism, contact Mariposa Heritage House at (209) 966-7000 or the national hotline at (800) 662-HELP (4357).